Recently I have been reflecting on what trust actually is in relationships and how two people re-generate trust (on a simpler level of interactions) after years of heartache and messy attachment wounds. I believe anyone reading this would agree that long-term relationships come with a lot of wins, failures, practicing new ways of connection, re-discovering who each other is and having to fight walls within ourselves to re-attune with our loved one. I honor that there are scenarios where a person will be unwilling to put in the work or grow. I also question if some people would put in the work, if they were able to have more time to explore their character without judgements or criticism to know truly who one is in relation to another. I say this, because we naturally have requirements or judgements about someone and this can take away from that person wanting to put in any sort of effort. I do not believe most people these days have the patience or time to witness their relationship grow because of all the social stigmas, high performing qualities, and demands people attach to "a healthy operating relationship". To passionately connect with someone on a daily basis is not attainable without the smaller building blocks that create a more inviting, secure space to do so. What I have observed within most couple dynamics is both people want to be at the finish line before taking one step into re-learning one another's character-logical traits, potentially interfering with larger life goals together. When people are not willing to re-invest in understanding the base qualities of their loved one, the only thing you feel is "being stuck". It is the paradox of seeing an olympian do something you would dream of AND at the same time you know you would never put in the work to get to the podium. This is often what makes or breaks longevity of relationship.
I have been really inspired lately by couples within my practice slowing down and going against what they know to really show up for each other without shame and blame taking over every conversation. In a recent session, I heard one spouse say to the other, "I never realized how much energy you put into seeing me do better and I actually see how you show me the ways in which I am capable of doing things now, which makes me appreciate you more". We are so busy focusing on personal desires and "feel good" moments, we often are not paying attention to what our partner/spouse is doing right in front of us on a daily basis. It has been so beautiful hearing shares that require more time spent on how the other has been showing up over the years verses what they have not done yet. I will standby the fact that we need to slow down and start noticing how our loved one is being completely themselves, while wanting to do better too. Can you hold room for honoring the things you love about your person as they are and what you yet are excited to see them grow into? This is important to know.
With time and maturity, trust started in my relationship when ultimately "we just stopped everything we were doing". Seriously, we stopped future planning a certain way, we stopped certain weekly routines, and stopped other distractions that were just creating more space between us. Much like we have to re-calibrate in our own individual healing journeys, relationships need the same amount of time to re-attune, as two people set the course for richer, more life-giving interactions.
Right now, I look at trust much more intentionally than I ever did before. Trust is "trusting yourself enough to say what is not working" and "trusting that the smaller intentional moments within a relationship will naturally lead to greater life experiences". You have to want the small moments. I am at a point in my work and humaneness with others, that when I choose to put a stop to the abyss of my minds wants/desires/immediacy/cravings...etc., I start making simpler choices to give to the moment in front of me. Whether the moment is calling me to go sit next to my husband and just hold his hand for a couple minutes or I am being led to do a couple extra chores earlier in the day so my husband has less to do later, these small resets bring us back into a relationship that has reduced demands and more time together. We absolutely have to put our trust in the small seeds of kinder interactions. It is the only way to flourish again in a next season.
ART
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